Heart Like a Dog

The Good, the Bad, and the Oh My God of living with dogs!

Dearest Delilah

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Dearest Delilah,

It has been 365 days since I last held and kissed you.  I want you to know how much I miss you.  Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you and tear up and there are many days when I still outright sob.

Sweet Delilah

Your passing left a hole in my soul that I can’t close, no matter how hard I try.  There are so many things I miss.

  • Those little grumbles you made when I moved my feet while you were sleeping.
  • How you insisted you were a lap dog, despite being almost 70 pounds.
  • How you jumped when I prepared your dinner.
  • How you’d meet me at the top of the stairs, with a toy in your mouth when I came home.
  • How willing you were to go for a walk, even in the cold and dark weather.

Most of all, I want to thank you for saving me after Sampson left.  You kept me going, gave me a sense of normalcy.

I talk to you and Sampson every night (as you know.) But I wanted to write this here, to let you know how much I loved and still love you and how I miss you with my whole heart.

Until we meet at the bridge, my love.

Your devoted Mom

(To the few of you who still read this blog, I do have plans to post about Delilah’s passing, I just can’t bring myself to finish it yet. Thank you for hanging in there with me.)

My Darling Delilah

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My darling Delilah,

Today is six months since your Dad and I made the heartbreaking decision to send you to the bridge.

I should have written about that day well before now, but truthfully, I was so shattered, I just couldn’t sit down and write it out.

2020 was a shit year. It was for everyone. The only saving grace for me was that I was able to be home with you and Sampson in your last days.

 

We helped Sampson to the bridge in May, it was horrible for me as you well know.  But you saved me.  You got me up in the morning, gave me purpose to my day. You snuggled me at night and your fur caught my tears as I cried for my boy.

I always said you wanted to be an only dog and I’m truly grateful you had that opportunity. For seven months, you were the center of our world.

On your gotcha day, long, long ago, I I promised you I wouldn’t be another human that failed you.  So on that horrible day in December, when you gave us the signal you were ready to leave and even though we weren’t, we honored you, your life and your decision and we let you go.

We were both exhausted that first day.

Our journey was never an easy one. In the early years I couldn’t take you off leash as you would run off.  You’d find ways to escape the yard and go off exploring, ignoring our requests to come back. You ate EVERYTHING, chocolate, supplements, colored pencils, butter, pancake batter, corned beef (off the counter!), oil in the spaghetti pan, you even took a hot dog right from the pan on the stove! I used to joke the vet’s office would take bets before answering the phone, to see what you’d eaten that week.

Delilah, you were the dog I never knew I wanted or needed.  You were wild, determined, stubborn.  You lived life to the fullest, did whatever the hell you wanted.  You challenged me, pushed me to the brink, frustrated the hell out of me.  But that process bonded us, it taught us to trust each other, to have faith in each other and yes, to love each other.


You taught us that sometimes, journeys aren’t straight forward or easy, that sometimes the things we want aren’t always what we think they are, but having faith and perseverance can bring us so much joy.

I never thought your loss would be harder than Sampson’s, yet here we are.  Six months later and my heart is still shattered. I miss you SO much, it’s like an incredible ache in my heart.  I feel empty and lost. I feel like I’m in a place of darkness and I can’t find my way out.

You were a dog that legends are made of and your legend lives on in this blog. It will live on in any dogs we have in the future.

You and I weren’t perfect, but we were perfect together and I’m so, so grateful that you picked me to be your mom.

Rest easy my princess,

Mama

Delilah Goes to Tufts

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In June of 2018, at Delilah’s annual exam, our vet discovered an arrhythmia affecting all four chambers of Delilah’s heart. (You can read the posts about it HERE and HERE.)

We were lucky enough to get an appointment with a cardiologist within a couple of weeks. Despite echo cardiograms (EKG’s) and Holter studies, the cardiologist could not find the cause of the arrhythmia.

All suited up with a Holter Monitor.

The cardiologist said it could be a small, unseen scar on her heart, but she also said we might never know the reason for the irregularities.

The treatment plan for Delilah was medication. The initial medication was Soltalal, which reduced the occurrence of the irregularities, but they were still occurring.

The cardiologist then added Mexilitene. Both the Mexilitene and Soltalal is available at our local pharmacy.  The Mexilitene is very expensive (over $200 at the vet’s office for a 30 day supply, but our local pharmacy could fill it for about $95 {the last time I bought it, it had gone down to $75} there is also an online pharmacy out of California that fills it for about $95.)

The next EKG showed the irregularities while decreasing, were still occurring.

At this point I became concerned that the Cardiologist was missing something. I spoke with my vet and inquired about getting a second opinion. I explained how the other cardiologist in our state required you drop your dog off and that I wasn’t comfortable with that and she said, “Then take her to Tufts.”

And so I did.

I have to confess, I’ve always been sort of in awe of Tufts. I mean, anytime someone in my area has an animal that needs specialized care, they go to Tufts.

I’m not sure what I expected Tufts to look like, but I was still surprised. Upon arriving I realized, it looks like a University Campus. (Because it is bozo!) There are houses, cottages, barns, pastures and this amazing hospital.

I had given myself an extra half hour, so we arrived in plenty of time. I parked the car and went in to scope it out, leaving Delilah in the car.

Tufts Veterinary Hospital

A portion of the front desk area. I should have taken photos BEFORE bringing the dog in.

I checked her in, then went out, took her for a walk around to sniff and do her business and then brought her in to settle on one of the many couches. I tried to get her to sit with me, but she chose the floor instead.

Tufts

Delilah poses patiently for a photo at the front desk.

We didn’t have to wait too long before were brought into a small room by a very personable vet tech. She asked a lot of questions and then left us while she went to get Dr. Karlin.

I loved Dr. Karlin. She was super nice. She looked at Delilah’s records, listened to her heart, then asked if she could do an echocardiogram. The room they use for the test was small, so I was asked to wait in the exam room. Delilah seemed very comfortable with both Dr. Karlin and the vet tech, but I was told if Delilah seemed at all concerned, they would come get me and we would squeeze into the room.

Delilah was back in less than 10 minutes and then Dr. Karlin and I discussed what’s going on.

In the six-minute echo, Delilah showed no irregularities, this was good, (I still have concerns because her arrhythmias tend to show up more during the night, but without running another Holter monitor, there’s no way of knowing.) Dr. Karlin said the only change she would make to Delilah’s meds, were a different strength of Soltalal, which would be easier to administer. We had 80 mg that she was getting ¾’s of, (about 60 mg, twice a day) which was changed to 120 mg which could be halved. Otherwise it was stay-the-course.

The Inside of Tufts Vet Center

Delilah watching who knows what, while I consult with the cardiologist.

She did advise me that Delilah was still at risk for a fatal heart event, but that was something we already knew.

Dr. Karlin was kind enough to let us out the side door, so I didn’t have to deal with the waiting room full of animals.  I walked Delilah about, put her back in the car and went to pay my bill. The bill came to $507. Now some people would say we spent a lot of money and found out nothing new.

I disagree. For me it was confirmation we are doing everything we can for Delilah, and my friends, that takes a heavy burden off my heart, and that is something I am truly thankful for.

Today is the Thankful Thursday blog hop hosted by our friends over at Brian’s Blog. Hop on over and say hello.

Brought to you by Brian’s Blog.

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