It’s no secret I live in the Dumb Ass Dog Owner (DADO) Capital of the United States. I think I showed you the satellite image once, but for those of you who need proof, well here it is.

There are many times (SO many times), when I want to just let loose on some of these folks. I siriusly thought of anonymous letters.  Tell me what you think.

To my neighbor behind me who never lets his Rottweiler off his deck. Do you ever get tired of listening to your dog bark?

I do.  Try taking him off the deck and walking him once in a while.

Sincerely,

All I want for Christmas is ear buds.

Dear Neighbor,

I noticed on my 6:00 am walk, that you have a new puppy. I also noticed, this is your second new puppy in the last couple of months. Did the Beagle puppy not get the housebreaking training you were providing? Let me clue you in. 

In my experience, the best way to train a dog to potty outside is to bring it out, STAY with it, and reward it when it does its business. Just putting it outside for half hour doesn’t work, and I’ll tell you why.

1. Without some encouragement from you, the dog doesn’t get what you want it to do.
2. There are predators in this area. Those “Lost Pet” signs you see, that pet isn’t lost. That pet is something’s dinner.
3. Your puppy’s barking, annoys the shit out of your neighbors.

Maybe try picking up a good book on how to have a well trained puppy. If you need suggestions, I’d be happy to provide some.

Sincerely,

If I see you on the street, I’ll have trouble not kicking you in your special place.

When you spend as much time walking as I do, you sometimes learn the dog’s names.

Dear Bailey’s Mom,

Do you know who is responsible if your e-fence charging, barking dog gives me a heart attack as I walk past and I die in the street?

**Hint** I hope it’s you.

By the way, Hanes thanks you for my business.

Dear neighbor who feeds the birds bread,

Perhaps you’ve been living under a rock, but science has proven that bread is bad for birds. Also, how big do you think the birds are? I think a loaf of Italian bread is a bit excessive, even for the large crows in our neighborhood. If you insist on feeding the birds, please consider bird seed. I’m sure the birds and my shoulder that gets dislocated when my dog dives into the snowbank for the loaf of bread will appreciate it. 

Signed, my aching shoulder.

Dear Boomer’s mom,

I understand why you got a mini schnauzer. You told me it was because you wanted a guard dog. What I can’t understand is that when Boomer is losing his mind because something or someone is nearby how you ignore him. Also, following me down the street with your dog at the end of his retractable leash, pulling like he’s a sled dog, with you doing nothing to rein him in…is a dick move.

Dear Dan,

Oh Dan, dear Dan. I’m sorry, but a paragraph will not do you justice, you sir, you need a post all your own.

Well, now that I have THAT off my chest…Have you ever wanted to write an anonymous letter to a neighbor? If you write it on the internet, and then write it and send it anonymously, what are the odds they’d actually find it?