Fuggin’ Cats

Imagine this. You’re sitting on the toilet taking care of business and the phone rings, or a spider walks across the floor in front of you.

Part of you wants to jump up and answer the phone or kill that spider. But your brain says, “The person calling will leave a message and you can call them back.” And, “You can kill that spider when you finish what you are doing.”

BUT if for some reason your brain decides you should stop what you’re doing and answer that phone, or take care of that spider, your colon will let you know in no uncertain terms that you have more important business to tend to. (*Remember, the asshole is always in charge.)

NOW imagine you’re a dog, and your squatting on someone’s lawn doing your morning constitutional AND your human hasn’t done her part in scoping out the area; you’re laying the smack down on a nice patch of green grass, and you look up to see this.

I’m a cat, we’re like Honey Badgers, we just don’t give a shit.

Coincidentally your human pulls her head out of her ass and spots it the same time you do, “Leave it!” she says, which alerts your canine companion that something of interest has entered the scene. Immediately your canine friend goes on alert, her eyes searching the area looking for the culprit, and it doesn’t take her long to spot exactly what it is that you are seeing.

Meanwhile, that fuggin’ cat sits there, not more than 15 feet away from you and tries to stare you down. This gets your dander up and you bark, then lunge at that insolent cat.

You want a piece of me, cat?

Your canine companion has your back and joins in the fracas.

I like cats. Mostly chasing them, but I like cats.

Your human meanwhile, is shushing you (it’s 6:15 in the morning after all) and trying to figure out exactly HOW she’s going to a) get you to leave that fuggin’ cat alone and b) get you calm enough so she can bend down and collect the lovely gift you just left on Fuggin’ Cat’s lawn, then hightail it out of there without anyone losing any fur.

Fuggin’ cats!

*The asshole is always in charge…a.k.a. one of my favorite jokes of all time.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who was the one in charge.
“I should be in charge” said the Brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me, nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge” said the Blood, “Because I circulate oxygen to all organs of the body, without me you would all just waste away.”
“I should be in charge” said the Stomach, “Because I process food, providing all the nutrients you need to keep yourselves running strong.”
And so it went, with all the various organs voicing their opinions about who should be in charge.
Finally the Rectum spoke up, “I should be in charge, because I’m responsible for waste removal. Where would you be without me?”
All the body parts laughed and laughed at the Rectum, which really insulted him, so he shut down.
Within a few days, the Brain was foggy and couldn’t function, the Blood was toxic and polluting the other organs, the Stomach was bloated and full of unprocessed food. And the organs all agreed the Rectum should be boss.

The moral of the story is…the Asshole is always in charge.

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