Heart Like a Dog

The Good, the Bad, and the Oh My God of living with dogs!

Well THAT Gets The Heart Rate Up

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The first thing I do in the morning after I shut that damn alarm off is to check the weather.

Friday my phone said it was 7° out. After pulling on my jacket, boots and ski pants I asked Hubby if I could borrow his balaclava.

It was my first time wearing a balaclava and as Delilah and I strolled down the street I thought, No wonder he likes wearing it, the heat from your breath stays on the inside and warms your face. I made a mental note to try and find one that fit my head, not his.

Since it was so cold out I didn’t expect Delilah and I to encounter any yard dogs, but sure enough, one of her arch-enemies was out in his/her yard.

There are actually two dogs in this yard and while there is no sign indicating so, I assume they are on an invisible fence. Delilah’s arch-enemy likes to run back and forth along the property line and bark at us as we walk past.

I’ve worked really hard with Delilah on getting her past this house. Delilah has attitude and her attitude is, I’m all that and a bag of chips and if you mess with me, I will fuck you up. Without me redirecting her, she is looking for that dog and itching for it to challenge her so she can show that dog her bad ass self.

Delilah’s arch-enemy watches for dogs coming down the street, and Delilah watches for her arch-enemy. The minute I see this dog, I bring out my treats and tell Delilah, not your business. 

Which is exactly what I did on Friday morning. So there we are walking down the left side of the street and Delilah is on my left. The arch-enemy’s house is on the right side of the street, giving us a distance of about 25 to 30 feet.

Delilah is attentively looking up at me as I’m breaking pieces of freeze-dried beef lung up and feeding them to her. As predicted, the dog is barking at us.

Delilah's Arch Enemy

Delilah’s Arch Enemy

This is the hairy part.

We were about half-way past this house and I can hear this dog barking on my right. Suddenly I realize that the dog sounds pretty close to me. I turn my head to the right and there, in the middle of the road, is the damn dog, now only about 8 to 10 feet away from me.

What the actual fuck dog?

Delilah was still focused on me, which was a totally good thing, so I looked at that dog and I said, “Get over there! Get in your own yard!”

To my complete and utter surprise, the dog turned around and went into its yard, where it watched us as closely as I watched it. That is at least until I felt we’d reached a safe enough distance so I could drop my guard.

I don’t think Delilah ever saw that the dog was that close to me, and that was good. Because a dog sneaking up on her six, especially when food was involved would not have ended well.

No dog wants to surprise Delilah with a nose in her ass, because she will turn around and give you a face full of chocolate the likes of which will scare the Bejesus out of you.

My heart was pumping in my chest and I started to breathe a little harder and said, well THAT gets the heart rate up.

But Delilah was unfazed.

Of course I'm a rock star, Labs rock!

Of course I’m a rock star, Labs rock!

Now about that balaclava….just my observation… If you’re going to wear a balaclava and glasses, make sure it’s not covering your nose, especially if there’s a possibility that you might be breathing hard. 🙂

Urine Luck

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If you have dogs, odds are at some point you’ll be required to obtain a urine sample from your dog. Do you wonder how to do that?

I mean it’s not like you can hand your dog a cup and ask them to pee in it. And try and slip that specimen cup in the land down under and you could come up with a wet hand or even worse.

Well guess what?

Urine luck, (see what I did there?)

Today I’m going to give you a simple, $2 solution which will make getting that urine sample super simple.

The first time I was told to bring in a urine sample for Delilah, I asked, “How am I supposed to do that?”

I was told to use a disposable pie pan and slip it under her when she squatted down to pee.

Right.

That was a fucking challenge. Delilah didn’t take too kindly to me following around behind her and trying to slip a pan under her ass. Eventually I somehow must have prevailed but knew there had to be a better way.

I can’t remember where I first heard about the urine ladle (I think it was Jen at My Brown Newfies,) and let me tell you, it’s been a life saver!

At first I used this little tiny ladle that I scarfed up from some catered event.

It's like those little ladles you find in the dressing bucket at the salad bar.

It’s like those little ladles you find in the dressing bucket at the salad bar. Yes there is some tape on it that says dog pee. Just in case someone finds it and tries to use it serve food at one of our family dinners.

The problem with this is, it’s little and tiny. Not only is the scoop part of the ladle tiny, but the handle is short as well, which means you are bending down really close to your dog’s business to get that sample.

A couple of months ago, I went to the Dollar Store and picked up a ladle along with a package of four containers.

I put these in a bag called Dog Specimen Collection kit and I put it in one of my kitchen cabinets.

Because no-one should start the morning with dog pee on them.

Because no-one should start the morning with dog pee on them.

The great thing about this full-size ladle is the ‘bowl’ of the spoon can hold quite a bit of urine and the long handle lets you just dip down, catch the pee and move along.

It's a thing of beauty

Who says the cheap ladles aren’t good for something?

It works like a dream with Delilah. Even if the bottom of the ‘bowl’ touches the ground, you are not cross-contaminating the urine.

Last week I needed to get a sample from Sampson in order for the vet to check it.

Some of you with male dogs will know this, and this might be a news flash to others. But not all male dogs lift their legs to pee.

Some male dogs lift, some squat and then there are the ones who are bi-urinators. (I know Jen made that shit up, but you have to admit, it’s funny.)

Sampson is a bi-urinator. I’m never sure if he will squat or lift.

We have lift-off!

We have lift-off!

And that’s where the beauty of the ladle comes in. Here’s how it works.

I take a container and remove the cover and slip the cover and container inside my jacket pocket. I hold the ladle in one hand and the leash in the other.

We walk outside and when the dog squats or lifts, like a pee Ninja, I slide the ladle into the urine stream. Once I’ve got enough in the ‘bowl’ of the ladle, I have the dog wait while I take out the container and transfer the urine from the ladle to the container. Once you’ve done that you can even toss the ladle on the ground while you get the cover on the container.

I then shake the ladle off and carry it back into the house. Word to the wise, watch where you shake that thing if it’s windy, and make sure it’s not too close to your body, or your face. Another piece of advice, don’t spit into the wind.

I rinse it off in the sink, then let it sit there. When I’ve finished all the dishes, I take a paper towel, dip it in the dish washing solution and wash and rinse the ladle. I set it to dry on a separate piece of paper towel and once it has dried, I put it back inside the bag, until it’s needed again.

Once you’ve procured your dog’s urine, you will need to store it until you can get it to the vet’s office, because you know, they want that first specimen of the morning, but the vet’s office is rarely open that early.

The first thing to do is to take a plastic bag and label it with a Sharpie. I suggest putting the dog’s name, and the time you took the sample.

Ziplock Sandwich bag...just in case it tips.

Ziplock Sandwich bag…just in case it tips.

Then I take a paper towel, wrap it around the container and place it in the refrigerator until I’m ready to go.

Take my advice, don’t tip this shit over or you’ll have a real mess on your hands, because the lids on these containers are tight, but they definitely are not spill proof.

I put it in the cup holder of the car to keep it from tipping over. Of course if I roll the car, it's all over.

I put it in the cup holder of the car to keep it from tipping over. Of course if I roll the car, it’s all over. hehehe, boy I’m full of them today. 😉

And THAT my friends is how to get a urine sample from your dog. Male or female, squatter or lifter, single or bi-urinator.

Ladle = $1

4 little containers = $1

Not having to stick your face in your dog’s junk = priceless.

Wax on, Wax Off?

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Have you seen this dog?

If you follow me on Instagram and Facebook you’ll have noticed I’ve been posting pictures of Delilah with various sayings, many of them about breakfast.

The story behind the photos is this. Delilah is a food driven dog. And in the mornings, before she’s had breakfast, she’s up my ass. Wherever I go, she’s right there with me.

So when she started squeezing herself into the bathroom, or waiting just outside the door for me, I started snapping photos and adding captions which in my mind sounded like Delilah.

You can fit, look how nicely I squeeze in.

You can fit, look how nicely I squeeze in.

Note, I would be standing between her back and the sink. Yeah, that’s a tight squeeze!

Wax on, wax off.

A couple weeks back I got a tart warmer.

Pretty, isn't it?

Pretty, isn’t it?

I put it in the bathroom.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

So yesterday morning, Delilah squeezed herself into the bathroom and shoved herself between my legs.

And when you're done rubbing my ear, you can fix my breakfast.

And when you’re done rubbing my ear, you can fix my breakfast.

Do you know how hard it is to get dressed with a dog between your legs?

So I did what I’ve always done. I stepped over her.

Except I forgot about the tart warmer, and in the process of climbing over her, I hit the warmer with my arm.

And when I hit the warmer with my arm, I jiggled it hard enough so I wound up with tart wax on my shirt, my pants, the counter and the floor.

I'm pretty sure it will come off the floor pretty easy.

I’m pretty sure it will come off the floor fairly easily.

But I’m at a loss as to how to get it off my clothes. Anyone know how to get wax off of clothes?

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